Trauma on I-40

So I have to share a quick story. Possibly quick, we'll see I guess.

Last Monday, I drove to New Mexico for a job interview. My interview was scheduled for Tuesday morning. The plan was to drive there....(12 hours), interview, drive home (12 more hours). I had to be back in time for Bristol's bachelorette party Wednesday night. Remember the wedding I mentioned....okay...sooo

My trip started off completely horrible. I woke up that morning, tired and feeling a little nervous about the interview the following day. I'm getting my stuff together so I can leave and head to NM. I tell my mom that I'm a little nervous and she says:

"Oh really? Yeah I just have a horrible feeling about this trip."

And I say....

"Uhhhh well I wasn't nervous like THAT, just nervous about the interview, but thanks for sharing."

Really mom?

So by the time I finally get loaded up, drop off the baby and get out on the freeway, I notice my check engine light is on. My car is only 2 years old and it's NEVER had an engine problem before so I was a little worried. Especially since my car accident in October when I got t-boned. So I swing into the dealership to see if they can look at it for me. I explain I'm on my way out of state for a job interview. 2 hours, a million games of Sodoku and a little dozing off, later...my car is done. Just a solenoid, nothing serious. Ok, so I'm thinking about what my mom said, then my check engine light coming on and I think....what else could possibly happen (besides getting into a horrible car accident)......

I had NO IDEA what was in store for me.

So I get to Flagstaff, I'm only about 4 hours from my destination but at this point I had been driving for 8 hours and my eyes are so heavy so I pull over and take an hour nap. Wake up, swing through the Jack in the Box drive thru and make my way out of Flagstaff. It's pretty late and very dark and I'm driving along when I get a low, painful rumble in my belly......

PLEASE GOD just let it be gas.

Now this is where it gets a little "personal" so you have my permission to stop reading....

It was NOT just gas. In fact, it was not gas at all, but that type of pain where sweat beads are forming on my forehead, I have goose bumps all over my body and at this point I'm driving on one butt cheek trying desperately to find an exit. I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT AND I'M GOING TO DIE.

My survivor instincts kick in and I realize I AM A MOTHER AND I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE I GAVE BIRTH DAMMIT AND THIS IS NOTHING.

I stop my car. I would LOVE more than anything to be able to say that I "pulled over" but there was not even a shoulder to pull over onto. No exits, no shoulders, just me driving along the very top of a mountain, all alone, in the middle of the night.

I climb into the backseat of my car, taking my Jack in the Box bag with me. Now before you people start judging me.....I want you to know that there were NO BUSHES for me to run and hide behind because I am at the top of a mountain and on one side is the freeway and the other, a cliff. So yeah, I was gonna shit in this fast food bag. I have seconds to come up with a plan that does NOT involve me crapping my pants. I spread my windshield/dashboard visor thing across my back seat....you know, incase I miss, pull down my pants and try to hover over this flimsy bag. BUT THE DAMN THING WON'T STAY OPEN.

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! I am seriously not going to make it and I'm going to have to drive with shit in my car.....

Then my phone starts ringing. OH GOSH SERIOUSLY?? I'm not even about to answer right now, I can hardly breathe let alone try to talk to someone.

Ok so the bag isn't working, I'm gonna have to open my door which means the light will come on, which means people driving past me will see what I'm doing and what if they stop to help and they see what I'm trying to do, or what if someone hits my car and sends me flying down this mountian and when they find me I'm going to have my pants around my ankles and probably shit all over me. OH GOSH what am I going to do????

SUCK IT UP BITCH YOU'RE A MOTHER!!!

So here I am....squatting in my backseat (like actually on the seat), back door open, with my bare ass hanging out of the door, taking a poop on the side of the freeway. I am completely mortified. All of a sudden lights are shining on me as a car comes up behind me and drives past. I dive into the back seat and slam the door shut. Please please do not let them see what I was just doing!! I wipe, throw the napkins out the window, jump into the front seat and take off before anyone can find out what just happened.

I light a cigarette and think to myself........I just took a poo on the side of the freeway and no one will EVER know! And then I started laughing and called all my friends and told them what I had just done.

I better get that damn job.