I was diagnosed in February of this year. It runs on both sides of my family and I thought I was in the clear since I am 34 years old and it is normally diagnosed earlier in life. But I had my very first manic episode in February and it lasted for a month. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I knew was that I felt out of control, not in a suicidal type of way, more of an irresponsible type of way and it scared me. I had overpowering urges to do destructive things, urges that were beginning to consume me and I knew it wouldn't be long before I gave in to them. I went to see my doctor. I cried, A LOT. What the heck was happening to me? I have a good job, I have children who love me, I am close to my family and they have always been supportive so why was I feeling this way? I couldn't concentrate on work or any activity for any length of time. Thoughts raced through my mind. I was restless, I was scared, I wasn't sleeping and I was embarrassed. How do I talk to someone about how I'm feeling without sounding and feeling completely crazy? How do I keep my daughters from seeing me like this and still manage to take care of them? I had an endless amount of energy which I thought could actually be productive but it wasn't. I couldn't sit still, I would wring my hands together or kick my legs, I had to keep moving, even if I was sitting. My doctor started me on Abilify. It did nothing for me. I was on such a high that the medication wasn't working. I ended up taking 4 mg of Clonazepam a day just to be able to sit still. I tried Depakote, but the side effects were too much for me. And finally my doctor put me on Zyprexa. I was ashamed that I was taking this "crazy person" drug just so I could function. Working in an ER, seeing the stigma attached to mental illness, knowing that Zyprexa is what they give a lot of the patients who come in out of control, and now I am one of them. What would people think of me? How could I possibly ever be taken seriously again being on this medication. I would lose all credibility at work. I could already picture it. Trying to talk to a coworker, explain something important, said coworker rolls their eyes and chalks it up to another opinion of a "crazy person". I know I'm good at my job, but would anyone be able to rely on me again? To trust my judgement? Maybe I should start over....find a new job. No one would know what I was suffering from. I applied for a position as a dispatcher. Out of 50 applicants, I was the only one left standing. I had such high hopes. More pay, start fresh.....I couldn't wait. The final step was the psych eval. I was a little nervous. What would they think, should I lie about being Bipolar? I knew the Director of dispatch really liked me and wanted to hire me. They gave me a conditional job offer, it was almost set in stone.......I couldn't wait to begin. But my psych eval came back unfavorable. I didn't get the job. I've always lived by the mantra of "things happen for a reason" and I do believe that to my core, but I couldn't help feeling embarrassed. This disorder does not define me and other people are trying to make it who I am, even if it's unintentional. But it's not WHO I AM. It's a small part of a much larger picture, it is part of ME, but there are many parts to ME.
May is Mental Illness Awareness month.
Please help raise awareness of mental illness and lets get rid of the stigma that so many people have to fight on a daily basis. I plan on writing about my struggles, my victories and my fears of dealing with Bipolar Disorder. I hope you find inspiration, strength and courage.
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